From the Impossible to Parody department: The New York Times, that champion of the underdog and hater of big, evil corporations (except its own), today refers in an editorial headline to Kraft, McDonald's, and other food companies as "Big Food." You know, like "Big Oil." As Dave Barry would say, we are not making this up.

"'Big Food' Gets the Obesity Message," the Times headline triumphantly blares. Apparently, in response to the lawsuits of meddlesome lard-butts everywhere, some major food companies are now making noises about producing foods that are less fattening. You see, Junior Samples in the airline seat next to you whose love handles are spilling out over into your lap while he attempts to connect the extra seatbelt extention around his bib overalls is a victim of "Big Food." As opposed to "big appetite," and "no self-control" which have also frequently been shown to lead to gelatinous, polyester-straining flab protrusions.

As it turns out, the problem is not that Michael Moore is a pig, but rather the evil folks at Hostess who keep cranking out those delicious Ding Dongs, despite knowing that Michael is powerless to stop himself from shoveling another boxfull down his gullet. (Wait a second, what does "Big Food" have to do with this, anyway? Isn't all of this supposed to be a "gland problem"?)

The Times can barely restrain it's jubilation at seeing the American people once again successfully protected from themselves, with those who don't have to buy their trousers at a Billy Bob's Tent and Awning now having their food choices determined for them by that guy on Jerry Springer in the mumu who has to be rescued by having a wall torn out of his house so they can hydraulicly winch him to freedom.

However, the Times is not yet satisfied, since nothing has actually been outlawed yet. They will not rest until Twinkies are relegated to the black market:

The Food and Drug Adminstration has not yet determined how much trans fat is acceptable, but yesterday the agency said it would require food makers to start listing the amount in their products on the labels. That is the least that can be done to help consumers avoid some particularly unhealthy fats that are ubiquitous in snack foods, baked goods and many offerings at fast-food outlets and family-style restaurants.

It is the least they can do...which means they ought to be doing more. The same pillow-biters who lose sleep over how Muslim terrorists are being treated at Guantanamo Bay apparently want to round up and exterminate convenience store clerks who furtively peddle non-approved beef jerky.

Help, Uncle Sam! Stop me before I eat again!