Wednesday, April 19, 2006

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Okay, last week's bizarre story was the battle of the midget KISS tribute bands. But this week I'm finding something almost as disturbing.

As you may have heard, creepy radio talk show host Art Bell's wife died unexpectedly on January 5 of a massive asthma attack at the age of 47. They had been married for 17 years. I felt bad for the guy when I heard.

Well, a couple of days ago, Bell, who's 60, announced that he has married a Filipino girl in her early 20's, and that he's selling all his stuff and moving near Manila to be with her. He says he dated her via internet video conferencing. Eeeew. (The wedding photos, which are even more disturbing, can be found here.)

Now, losing a wife must be a terrible thing, and I'm not his judge. Who knows what somebody will do under some stress? But I can't help but notice that if his last wife--the dead one--had a 90 day warranty on her, it would only have expired three days before he remarried. Hey, I'm all for picking up and going on. I've even told my wife that if, heaven forbid, something ever happens to me, she has my blessing on getting remarried. But I've also told her that I hope maybe she won't actually begin dating at the funeral. My hope is that I at least am a substantial enough part of her life that the next husband won't be able to just slip in and finish my half-eaten bowl of ice cream.

I'm sure spending night after night doing nothing but talking to mentally ill callers who think they regularly travel out of their bodies, as Bell does, eventually takes its toll on a person. Perhaps one loses a sense of decorum. But he did this quickly enough that the dead wife barely missed being a bridesmaid. I don't know what the proper waiting time is, and I'm no Emily Post, but I'm thinking it's gotta be longer than this. We're not even talking about beginning the dating process, in which case 90 days still seems a bit hasty. We're talking about courting, engagement, marriage and relocation.

If my wife, whom I dearly love, is remarried and moving within 90 days of my death, I want to be exhumed and receive a full toxicology screening. I'm just saying. You're my witnesses.

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