Brad Pitt has declared that he will not marry his baby mama Angelina Jolie "until everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able." By which, I presume he means homosexuals. (Although, since desire is the only criterion proffered, his comment would equally apply to bigamists, siblings, and any others who "want" to be married. And if you think I'm stretching things--anybody remember Angelina making out with her own brother at the Oscars a few years ago? Just wait.)
If I didn't know that this is merely a public, faux-principled rationalization for his understandable refusal to further entangle himself with the oft-married, psychotic, bisexual, incestuous Jolie, I'd really be amused.
I mean, against whom, exactly, is this putative protest directed? Is his expectation that this announcement will cause fervent opponents of gay marriage (which surveys show to be around 60-70% of the entire American public) to suddenly change course? "You know, I believe that homosexual so-called marriage is an abomination against nature and nature's God, and is an evil that would destroy our society. But if it will get those crazy kids Brad and Angelina together, I'm now willing to look the other way on it! All of my moral and social concerns are trumped by my aching desire to see Brangelina enter into yet another short-lived Hollywood marriage."
Oh, Brad, please don't hold America's affections hostage. Don't punish us. We repent. We'll do anything to make you rethink this. You name it. We surrender. We hereby immediately cease our opposition so that you will do us the incomparable favor of marrying the mother of your illegitimate child.
P.S. I also read that Brad is going to refuse to continue knocking her up until free fertility clinics have been established in every African nation. And unless global warming is halted, he's going to stop groping her.
Related Tags: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Brangelina, narcissistic dimwits