Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Did you know that a recent poll among evangelicals showed that the number one reason for getting rid of your television is to be able to tell people that you got rid of your television?

Okay, I made that up, but if such a poll were taken and people were actually honest, I suspect it would be the number one reason. Frankly, I've had it up to here with moralistic, pietistic, evangelical blowhards who take every last opportunity to broadcast the fact that "we got rid of our television X years ago and don't miss it a bit."

Excuse me, but yes you do. If you didn't miss it, you wouldn't talk about it so much. You wouldn't stretch so hard to work it into every single conversation. You crave your old television set more than Rush Limbaugh craves his 34th Oxycontin of the day. You are obsessed with it.

There is no group more full of spiritual pride and Phariseeism than the modern evangelical we-got-rid-of-our-TV crowd (and it's close cousin, the we-have-a-little-set-that-our-unenlightened-mother-in-law-gave-us-but-we-never-actually-watch-it crowd). Well guess what, you snake-handling legalist. I do have a television, and I do watch it. Whaddya think of them apples? I watch all kinds of things on it. I watch the news. I watch sporting events. I watch the occasional movie on the weekend. And you know something? I even enjoy it! When your kids come over, I'm going to sit them down in front of it and make them watch it. We're all going to watch "Friends" together.

Later, if perhaps if I too decide to become a prideful, ill-informed, culturally illiterate ignoramus, you can show me the depot where I can drop my TV off.

(Editorial note: this characterization does not include all of those who have made the often-wise decision to jettison the boob-tube. It only includes those who claim it as their very identity.)

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